Memories : Carved Within

2012-01-05T23:48:00.000-08:00

The last break up almost tore my heart apart, but now that I look back, it was the right decision, the wrong decision, remain the same, shouldn't have start the relationship at the first place.
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Not long after the incident, an one sided love was returned, by someone I never expect it to be. The reason for being a one sided love, cause she's suppose to be a 'straight', an ordinary person who spent most of her time studying, the result always start with 80, 90 or sometimes even 100, when she asked what do I like about her, no answer were found, the only thing I know, is I've fell for her long before she respond.
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I used to set a standard in looking for partner, they have to love me, accept me for whoever I am, give me the freedom I need, be understanding, older than me, earn more than me and some other stuff which is too much to be written down. Who wouldn't thought the longest I had was 2 years, with someone 6 years younger than me, it's unbelievable.
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No longer understand, what are the people I will fall for? Friends told me there will be a common in all my past, just need to find out what is it, and I will understand what type of person I'm looking for... well... easy to say, but it's quite hard.
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Conclusion.... better stay single or find someone who will get head over heels for me unconditionally.

2011-10-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

Last night, my confident scattered into the form of sands, I felt so lost, had trouble sleeping, so what I usually do to put myself to sleep, is just a can of beer drank in high speed & a cigarette to make my head dizzy. This works 90% of the time, before I realise, i've already got addicted to it.
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Always afraid to share out my problems, because I thought no one could understand, non other than God himself could, but He is not physically there with me, and I have no idea where He is..
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Am I the one who gave everyone hopes? And when it wasn't fulfilled, it's always accompanied by dissapointment? Will I ever be forgiven if I do all these in exchange everything I could? Many of these questions wandered around me, it made me realise how feeble I am.
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What will happen if I selfishly walk away from all these questions? Will I be blame? Having a great pokerface, it fooled everyone, constantly hide all the emotions behind it, knowing how real it can be, how effective it is, before noticing it... I am way too strong in everyone's impression.
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How far more? How much more? How long more? What more?

Just another day that passed

2011-01-19T23:50:00.000-08:00

It's Thaipusm, all I know about this occasion is when I was still in primary, my dad would always drag me to visit the temples around Selangor, from Taman Jaya to Batu Caves, it was tiring, the smoke made me cry and the jokstick burned my hands, which is the main reason to think this wasn't the right place for me. Slowly, I distance myself from this occasion as far as I can, no matter just to go out for practice or giving some stupid excuse like visiting my friend (While i'm actually around the neighbourhood looking for a dog n have it accompany me.
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On top of that, today, is a Thursday, my students booked me on every Thursday night for basketball training, the team is small, but elite, spending time with them talking about basketball & playing is so fun that it's the best stress release for me. But now... it just seems another responsible to fulfill before the day come. They're on their own, however, i still hope a friend of mine would guide them until the day of competition is there. Sad, but it will no longer be my credit when I leave, but all the glory belongs to the team itself, and also... their new coach. Therefore good luck to you, each & everyone of you.
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Distaning myself from friends is somehow a relieve, escaping all questions, is what I need, especially those who just know too much. No longer i'm bound with commitment from relationship, neither much in friendship, that's what I think, other than those who are still standing by my side when not asking question, they just hang out to get crazy with me I guess, with all the liquor & alcohol, what more can I ask from a friend?
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I was.. and still am angry at a friend, because I wasn't her main priority, just because she made a mistake, I distance more from her, knowing it will not change the fact that trust will not be as deep as before anymore. I'm sorry for getting angry at you, but I still hope you will find out what you mistake was.
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Emotionally, it could be 40% stable & 60% unstable, or sometimes the other way round. It can't be help, what I feel isn't within one's control, but what the exterior show. Selfish me, I know that very well, let's just hope I could look back and laugh about it.
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你终于说出口
其实你早就已经不爱我
为什么要低著头
你知道这玩笑骗不倒我
可是这不是玩笑
是要逃避你离开我的理由
我还能做什么
你已经不爱我
我一直都爱著你难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
一心想离开我
我终于也说出口
其实很爱你但从没认真说过
或许是我的错
多在乎你却只放在心中
不要问我为什么
因为爱你这就是我的理由
我还能做什么
你已经不爱我我一直都爱著你难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
没什么需要被原谅
我笑得有些牵强
你知道我总是能够假装不难过
oh 不想看你那么累
多希望再给我机会
颤抖著我的手握住的只是风
还能做什么你已经不爱我
我一直都爱著你难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
一心想离开我~~

It has finally arrive

2011-01-18T17:32:00.000-08:00

18 Jan 2011
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We worked hard, overcoming all the obstacle that stand in the way.
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However, the changes was too visible, clear, yet refuse to accept. She refuse to accept the cruel reality, fear it might somehow cause everything down the drain, all effort were wasted.
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Now that it had happened, it was calm, rational, accepted by both, what was realise is that not a single effort was put to waste, at least that's what she think. The day seems unusual, seems empty, the motivation faded, and now... she come back to square 1.
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Time... is needed to clear the mind of those who seems too hard to bear, please allow me to go back to who I was, allow me to use my way to solve the knot in my heart, and therefore.. I welcome back my friends who is always there by my side whenever i'm not in good condition, they are cigarettes & alcohol. Get me drunk, get me dizzy, let me sleep, and work endlessly when i'm not, fill my time with everything but her, drag me out of this darkness.
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I used to say, when this end, i will leave, to a faraway land where i can start all over again, while deep inside, there's someone important, someone i'm very protective of, someone who's no longer my concern. And therefore, i will leave, to Taiwan, if thing are settled down there, might consider staying and applying for Permanant Residence, if i wish to come back, i will not contact those who will effect my emotion. This had somehow made things easier, i have no worries, and i'm ready to leave, i'm pretty sure there will be someone a lot better than me out there waiting for you, good bye.
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Lesley

My "Pepper" Ferret

2010-09-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

16th Sept 2010

Today was a very very hot day, the weather at night made my air-cond look so "weak" as if it can't beat the heat. If me as a human could hardly tolerate this heat, it must be extremely difficult for my Pepper as well.
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Pepper is a ferret, she's very cute, the fur made her look like a panda, blacky fur on her hand, leg and around the neck. Ferret usually stays in cool weather, unfortunately for me, I live in a tropical country, and the weather is getting worst and worst because of the globalization.
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I went out to check at Pepper, she was sleeping like a human, face, hand, and leg were facing up, haha. As soon as she woke up, she rushed to the water bottle and drank lots lots of water, half bottle of water was gone, I was surprise, and there i thought "She is very healthy if she drinks this much water everyday". Things started to feel weird after i being her back from the usual "play ground" which is actually the backyard of the house, it's open air. I always prepare a big bowl of water for her to dive in, just in case she needs to drink water, of she feel like playing in it. .
At first, she is scared of water, but as soon as she finds out that the bowl wasn't that deep, slowly she put herself in it, like having a Spa or Jacuzzi. But today, she does't seems to be going in, i notice she's panting really hard and drooling ver frequently, immediately it came to my mind, something is not right, my ferret don't normally behave like this. So again, I went to to kitchen, and came back with some cold water, she likes it, and dive in it.
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Night comes, the weather is still hot, something is very very wrong with the weather, it made the temperature rise, it's bad for my pet, i know it. Again, i checked on her at night, she was motionless, lifeless, i started to panic, wondering what's wrong with my ferret. I checked online, found out that ferrets doesn't sweat, which is the main reason why they can't tolerate heat, i refill the bottle with ice water, cover a bunch of ice with her favorite towel, and put her on top of it. After an hour of observing, she's finally getting lively to normal, the ferret who loves to chase around for treat my mom and me gave. Now i'm going to rest, Pepper, i'm sorry for everything i put u through, i love you, so please don't leave me.

11th Months

2010-04-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday had been a really long day, it's been such a long time since this feeling came back to where it belong.

It was very tiring, yet miserable.. You've gave your best yet it doesn't turn out the way you expected it to be.

Prepared for the arrival of this, I show no tears, just expression of sadness & the will of destroying oneself. Alcohol & drunkness are no longer in the list of forgets, now... looking at the land far across the sea, is the only thing i could think of.

It is indeed the best time to flash all the jokes back to your mind, those that makes you smile, laugh, better yet, those that brings you joy.

No one should or even deserve to be blame, at the end of the day, it is both heart that are keeping secret unwilling to let out, it all came down to where I am now.

We show no fear, no laughter, no tears, no emotional expression, but if you were to see them, always remember... they're human, they're just one of us, one will wear a mask, but behind it... you will understand there's no such thing as a calm heart.

Woke up in the morning with sigh, knowing it's going to be another long day, or even worse... a long week to go. What you can do, is to be strong, and hang in there. As for me, i'll stick to the view of a land far across the sea, and maybe one day... i could reach that place.

Everything happens for a reason, the bad, the good.. everything.. That's what i believe in, which allows one to forgive the past, look at the future and survive in the present. A saying.. "Yesterday is history; Tomorrow is Mistery; And today is a Gift, which is why it's called the present".

No longer you know the right thing to do, the dont's, the cure, the element, i'm lost.

Carved Within: Packing Luggage

2010-03-11T21:26:00.000-08:00

..I've been blaming Melz for tricking me to this trip, because i knew instead of paying her installment monthly, i should have started saving about 6 months ago.
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This will be the first time going vacation without my parents with me, i'm kinda excited, yet at the same time.. having a hard time about leaving.
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There's this feeling, where it doesn't feel safe, as if i need to be more prepared for the future, cause you never know what might get to you. Certainly hope it wasn't effected by some award winning movies like "Titanic" & "2012".
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One night, my mind was full of it, it scared the crap out of me and I couldn't sleep. How long has it been? Since the last time I have a pillow in my arm with my head bowed down and pray to God, asking Him to calm my soul & spirit down, and to cover me with his blood throughout the journey. I had to admit, I used to doubt Him, but immediately after the prayer, the heart just calm down like the wind above the sea just stopped, the pace of the ocean slowed down.. slowly... you see your self laying at the center of it, without knowing it... I had fallen asleep.
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It strengthened my belief, that He is watching me from above, trying to show me the right path, and also to help me through the time of needs. Thank you Lord.

Carved Within: 9th Day oF CNY

2010-02-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the 9th day of "Gau Wong Ye", a traditional celebration for Hokkiens. Normally at this day, i will be at Mr Lee's house (Father's childhood friend) located at Subang USJ11, but this year i had a different plan.
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Woke up early in the morning, waiting for the movie called "He's a Women, She's a Man" uploaded from youtube, it's about a story of Sam (Leslie Cheung), a producer in a music industry wanted to create a new star choosen from the ordinary people. A sassy girl "Wing" (Anita Yuen) idolise Rose (Pop singer), & Sam. When Wing saw the advertisement, she then cut her hair, dressing up as a man & went for the audition. Soon.. Wing moved into Sam's house, and the romance between both of them blossom. An all time fave oldies movie.
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It's 12pm. Took my bath, get into that smelly cars of Dad's Mercedes Benz. Why will i complain my father's Merz as a smelly car? Because he used such a strong cologne that will fill the whole car just by getting in, for your information, i'm extremely sensitive to perfumes, especially the low quality ones.
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I love visiting dai yi's house, watching her cook is fun, she'll complain about the chef wanabe (ME) for not arriving early in the morning to help out, asking me to do this n that, while i'm taking my sweet time stealing d ready made cream puff.. And the most of all, her sense of humor & knowledge that always enlighten me. She had been helping me a lot with her experience of life & work, nothing ever let me down whenver it comes to her. The joke of the day, she was invited by a friend from HongKong for dinner & Golf, a bunch of friends were there and somewat there's this quiet gentlement sitting next to her. The gentlement excuse himself to the gents, and dai yi's friend told her about the guy sitting next to her was actually very good in singing, sacarstically when the gentlement came back, dai yi said "I heard you can sing, why don't you sing for us?", doesn't sound like a joke yet? Of course not, not when you know the gentlement was actually George Lam (林子祥), a very very old singer who because very famour during the 80s, the song "我选择了你" (I've choose you) was sang by him. Can you belive it?!?!?!?! Haha, the table was laughing away when we know who that person is... GOSH, how can she not know who he is!!!
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Something's wrong with my handphone, it doesn't allowed call or incoming calls, which is the main reason i'm late for the party invited by KM. I called her immediately the phone was turned on, and believe me... she sound like she was going to scold me for good, yeah yeah, cos she hates people who are late without informing, but this time i have a reason for being late. Spending the night eating malay food preapred by Mr Mun's colleague, nasi dagang was nice, the curry chicken was awesome, Mutton rendang was delicious, but not really a fan of d ayam masak merah, it taste a little too sweet which is definitely not my style of having a chicken. Overall, the food is nice, the atmosphere & conversation is fun, the wine was good and the best of all, i'm invited by this awesome person KM.
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That's it about now.

CNY 2010

2010-02-14T10:04:00.000-08:00

Chinese New Year 2010 --
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It's this occasion of the year again, where people the married couples give ang pows (Except for my beloved Aunt), and most of the time you'll be able to guess how much it contains in the ang pow. This is the exciting part, instead of receiving present like Christmas, you get CASH!!!!
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Something i really really hate during Chinese New Year, father's perfume. You had most probably read about it in my facebook, yup... My father used God-Know-What brand of the perfume, it doesn't smell nice, and most importantly, the scent is so God-Damn-Strong, so i prayed to Lord that he can remove the scent or keep the headache part away from me throughout the journey. I did tell him that he's perfume smells SUCKS, know what he did afterwards? He HUG me, and asked me if i had fainted, the answer.... almost!!!!!!!!!!
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This year was kinda relaxing... on the first day i guess, lunch was the usual, having it at Uncle Ming's house, hit the car & start d journey back to Muar, wait for dinner at 7:30pm at 新奇冷气酒店 (Xin Qi Air-Cond Restaurant), previous years... it was a building with the space of a school hall, but now it had build a new building somewhere near Jalan Indah, *must have been earning well*, the food was.... okok oni la, not very nice, obviously the portion is cutting a lot & they charge one table 1-Yu Shang 2-Starter(Spring Roll, Yam) 3-Shark Fin Soup 4-So called Abalone 5-Piglet (1/4 of d whole piglet) 6-Fish (Bak Chong) 7-Another So called abalone with min sin 8-dessert (OoNi - Yam, Pumpkin & Ginko - A Teo Chew Specialty Dessert) & Fried Pandan Kaya with sesame seed. All this cost RM400.00/table, expensive? It's Chinese New Year, that's what everyone always said. Lucky thing i'm not the one paying for it, cause if i'm going to treat my friends for lunch, it will never be this kind of place.
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So now i'm back at the hotel, because my loved one had fell asleep very very early today, i think KM skipped the nappie time, so i should let the slumber take over KM's mind, and leave her in peace. There isn't much to talk between us, but there are many challenges will need to be face by the both of us, i hope we're well prepared & make things out no matter how hard it will be.
.P.S. I Love You

Carved Within: Religion War

2010-01-21T22:30:00.000-08:00

KUALA LUMPUR, Jan 21 — Two suraus in Muar, Johor were damaged in suspected arson attacks early this morning, weeks after similar attacks against churches, believed to be linked to the controversial “Allah” ruling.
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Police found traces of kerosene in the Sirratulrahim Surau in Kampung Sabak Awor, Jalan Ismail which had a window and curtains burnt, while the Parit Beting surau suffered worse damage.“There is a black mark on the door,” Muar Deputy OCPD Lee Choon Guan told The Malaysian Insider when contacted at the Parit Beting surau.The police forensics team is now taking evidence the surau.Lee said police are cautious in linking the incident to a spate of attacks on houses of worship over the divisive “Allah” ruling.“
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My forensic team found traces of splashed kerosene so it may have originated from outside the surau’s compound,” he said at the scene of the first attack.Lee’s superior, Muar OCPD Mohammed Nasir Ramli, had earlier refused to confirm if the first incident was a result of an arson attempt.He told The Malaysian Insider that the Sirratulrahim Surau had suffered minor damages in the pre-dawn blaze.“We are still investigating... we don’t know if it was attacked, we can’t say that. Let the police do its investigations first,” he said in a phone interview.
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The Muar police chief said three youths from the area had discovered the damage at about 3am and reported it to the police.The Johor police are expected to release an official statement later this evening.Nine churches, a mosque, a surau, a Sikh temple and a convent school have been damaged by fire, paint or stones since Jan 8.Police obtained a seven-day remand order yesterday for eight youths arrested in connection with the first attack on the Metro Tabernacle church, on Jan 8. Two were brothers who suffered burns said to be a result of the attack.
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Another person detained is their uncle.The attacks came in the wake of the Dec 31, 2009 High Court ruling that allowed Catholic weekly Herald to use the term “Allah” to describe the Christian God in their Bahasa Malaysia section. The government has appealed against the decision and obtained a stay of execution.
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In a statement today, DAP secretary-general Lim Guan Eng condemned “the destructive behaviour of the perpetrator of such irresponsible attacks, who clearly intended to provoke suspicions among our multi-racial and multi-religious communities”.“We urge the police to step up its investigation and monitoring mechanism to bring the perpetrators to justice, and to prevent any further similar incident from happening in order to safeguard our harmonious way of life,” the Penang chief minister said.
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http://themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/malaysia/50310-arson-suspected-in-two-muar-surau-fires

KL Dragon Vs Satria Muda

2010-01-05T17:19:00.000-08:00

5th Jan 2010

This is the 5th game of KL Dragons in ABL, they were playing against Satria Muda Brit Ama from Indonesia. I don't how how grand the event was until i saw it with my own eyes.

--------------------------------->Before the game starts

------------------------------->Ladies giving out freebies to VIPs

.. There's a guy from the opponent team, he look like someone from the 3rd world country (Or maybe he is), the team will walk across from the VIP entrance to the opposite side of the court towards the team locker room. Visiting team will get to warm up at the court, but this guy in the picture, dance along the music as if he's celebrating the winning before the game starts, this guy seriously need to learn more about being "humble".

----------------------------------->Drum performing

Yup, they have drum performing before the game starts.

-------------------------------> Cheerleading Team

That's what they are, the cheerleading team, refering to Kheng's opinion a.k.a Highclass Clubbers. They look more like a clubbers than a cheerleading team, trust me, i've went to a cheerleading competition with Yau Suen & Bilqis before, i know what does cheerleader do and it's definitely not the one you're looking at.

------------------->Seriously, who does this more? Cheerleaders or clubbing girls?

The main reason i want to attend the game if for this particular player, #5 Yeow Loong, surprisingly he's the 2nd shortest player in the team but he sure can jump.

Couldn't get a clear shot, but the player in white is #5 Yeow Loong. The pic made me want to get a DSLR camera more to capture fast shot like this.

--------------------------------> KL Dragon warming up

-------------------> Rappers - Rapping for KL Dragon before game starts

--------------------> And they welcome the main players from each team

--------------------------------> National Anthem (Negaraku)

-----------------------------------> And the game starts

The crowd was singing the Dragon's theme, the atmosphere had been emotional, all supporters were supporting loud. There is also a crowd of Indonesian supporters, reminded me when we're still in junior school, what do we usually do to "pray" for opponent to miss the free throw?

~Tidak Mungkin, T-I-D-A-K M-U-N-G-K-I-N~ Haha, so guess what Kheng & Me sing? Wee Wang Wang~ Wee Wang Wang, but it doesn't help much though. I'm not sure if the team is being bribe to lose or they are just not performing well yesterday, there's no rebound, many shots were not entered, we had lots of missing passes.. although the crowd was supporting, they were Boo-ing the team as well for making some huge mistakes.

In the opponent team, a player name Hartman, look like a middle eastern boy, showed anger toward the refree for being unfair with his judgement in calling fouls, was "negotiating" with the refree. But he is a good player, with his height and excellent dribbling skill with sharp 3 point following one another and another and another, they deserve to win i would say, so that the team wouldn't be ashamed for the nigger earlier for butt dancing in the middle of the stage, showing off to the crowd.

So what's the score?

-----------------------------> KL Dragon 57 ----- Satria Muda <---------------------------

Carved Within: Christmas Eve - 09

2009-12-23T18:04:00.000-08:00

24th December are formally known as Christmas Eve, usually my family & relatives will be heading back home early for celebration at Uncle's house (Mom's elder brother), but this year they're going to Cambodia during the whole of Christmas week, therefore the celebration was canceled.

I woke up early in the morning around 7:30am, just to re-check the whole car to look for my driving license, unfortunately... it wasn't there. Tomorrow is Christmas, just in case the police are on the road hunting for "prey", i guess i'll just give in and get a new driving license done in the day.

Arriving JPJ office located in State, i took a number which i had to wait for about 100+ guess before me, the last time i visited the place (when i lost) after an hour of waiting doing nothing but smsing KM, the number had only passed about 40, and i wasn't sure if they are the happy customer. Finally, i walked out of the waiting room and take some fresh air and meet the hot bright sun, an uncle gave me an "offer" in making things faster, so here's the question, the penalty of restoring a lost license cost RM20.00, if that person's gonna help you make things a little faster, how much do you think is worth to bribe him? Seriously, i have no idea, giving RM10.00 seems a little expensive, so he decided to do it for me for FREE, out of no where he gave a ticket, a ticket which is just a 7 people before me, and honestly... it's really a lot lot faster then having to wait there for another 1 bloody hour, so whoever he is... i want to thank him, maybe i'll buy him lunch if i ever need his help again. And this time i'll make sure to always and always put the license back to where it belong.

Another dissapointing news before Christmas, yes... it's PMR result day!!! Happy 20% Unhappy 80%, what we marketer call this? The Parental Law, this had prove many things right in the terms of marketing and i believe it's the same in this situation. 20% of students will be absoulte happy with getting straight As or those who think they did better than what they had expected, for those I congrat. And for the other 80%, those who had bad results like RED alphabet, results that does not meet their requirement & those who get 6As who fail t get 7. Very cruel of the government to actually choose this date to give out result, which doesn't allow most of the kids to celebrate their christmas happily. Sorry for them...

Carved Within: A Vow

2009-12-21T18:49:00.000-08:00

Christmas was my favorite occasion every year, no matter what i been through or how terrible my life was.. the particular occasion always make a different and it always put an end to the year while welcoming the new ones.

But this year, it's somehow different. As if there is no Christmas, for your information.. i hate the time right now, when i spent my time cursing other's and hoping this would somehow end quick or never come.

Today is moody, nothing seems interesting... just me and my piano, ended up playing various songs before going to work.

So that's how it is... the feelin of losing the trust of a very important person, my heart beat almost stopped in the middle of the night, i don't think i can ever survive another situation similiar to this anymore. And i've made a vow to myself, if i ever lose this important person in my life... i will leave... to a place where i don't have to be constantly reminded about the past.

You can't blame others for not knowing you, because at the end of the day, it's you yourself who have to stand up after falling down, and move on with you life no matter if you're going to be alone or not. I hate to agree to this statement, but to force it into my head. If i've ever disappear, i know Kheng, Melody and Jen will miss me the most.. for my own selfishness.. forgiveness is all i could ask for..

Again... No longer i have the confident to give you a good life, i don't even know what's the definition of a good life for you, but i certainly know mine. If we have to be apart to realise, to regret, and to remember.. then perhaps it's the best solution for us.

For now... i will do all i can d make things right, anything & everything just to keep your heart close to mine.

Carved Within: Lord, please show me the way

2009-12-09T23:27:00.000-08:00

Today, i spent RM170++ just to have a chinese doctor to look at my ankle sprain. It's suppose to be a small issue, like putting on some chinese medical and pay him. Honestly... i payed the fees myself, and i feel quite burden with the total amount, i wanted to claim from the company but it seems like the company claim doesn't include Chinese Clinic.
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I'm frustrated about my life, I have so much to lose, yet as if i'm bound by it. I had to choose between "Finance & Family" and sometimes between "Career & Relationship".
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The accountant in my office, which happens to be my mother, told me that i can't claim the company with this medical fees.. I was kinda down, but decided to ignore it, since it can't be helped, she then told me "But you can claim from your mother". I thank her for that, but as what i've expected... tons of nagging starts, and it hurts my ear to listen to every single words that came from her mouth, so i told her i don't want to claim anymore hoping she would shut up and get back to her "work". Do you have any idea how annoying it is to listen to the repeating conversation over and over again for the past 10 years?
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I want a career, a successful one to overcome this issue, but i'm afraid once i choose this path, there will be something important i have to give up. Life can be fair and unfair, you can't own good career, peaceful marriage, close friendship, healthy life & beautiful appearance at the same time because life have to be fair, and the unfair side is you can't own them all at no matter how hard you try.
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I tried so hard to study & get into a big company, if i choose this path, i have to say goodbye to my family, friends and even worse... to the person i love.
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I've committed into a romance with someone who loves me as much as I do, i tried to work hard in my career to give us a good life, the question is... will i be able to spend precious time with my loved one when i'm going to be so busy with work?
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I have lots of friends, but only a few who gain my trust. I seldom hang out with them after started a romance relationship with KM, but always waiting for the opportunity to catch up with them whenever i find the time to..
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A healthy body is what i lack, my whole body is injuried, i sprained all my fingers & both of the ankles. I smoke, I drink, I stay up late just to play the video games or surfing the net.. hoping is not too late to realise my mistake and fix it up.
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There are times i tried to end it once and for all, but there are people who i still care... and not wanting to lose them. I heard the moment they jump down from a building, they realise all their problems were gone, the only one left is that they've jump. Repeatingly telling myself it wasn't the end, there's still a path right ahead of me. all i have to do.. is to walk until God decide to remove me.
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Lord... will you please show me the right path? So that i can live a life without regretting anything...

Carved Within: The Point oF Regret

2009-12-09T20:01:00.000-08:00

I'm easily hurted by words, especially when it comes from someone that meant a lot to me. I've forgotten how did it happened, or how long i've been holding on to it, all i know right now is that things had changed between us no matter how much i wanted to deny it.

Mistakes I made is no longer countable, i'll admit it, to be true to yourself & honest to the others. The 1st thing i've regretted in my life was i quit the team coached by Mr Woon when i was still 13 and i'm able to train with the former states players, i've missed the best opportnity given in basketball, wish to turn back time but it's not and never going to happen again.

Here's the mistakes i've done, and i'm still regretting it. To upset a very close friend, and things are no longer working well between us, how sad that is.. If i have the chance to turn back time i will go against my parents even if they are gonna ignore me for the rest of the year. The scar created are no longer healable, i'm doing whatever i can to atone what i've done, but it doesn't bring me anywhere, it only proves how silly and weak i am.

I hate myself for being in a situation like this, but i hope by hating myself i will make others feel better. I'm tired of feeling regret, I was driving when i heard the news of what just happened while not realising it, no sentence nor words able to express the emotions.. but a single teardrop had explained everything. I hate this... but i hate myself more.

Carved Within: Life Quote

2009-11-29T22:04:00.000-08:00

Many are sad lately, but mostly are caused by relationship. I'm not in the position to understand how they are feeling right now, all i remembered is that i been through it in the past.

KungFu Panda was one of the biggest hit, but i have not watch it until yesterday the cartoon was showed in Astro, funny yet true, life quotes told by the Old Turtle Master, who would've thought about it?

"Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mistery; Which is why Today is Present"

How funny, yet true. No matter was it an English, Malay or Chinese we all attend, we can never escape the most hateful and boring subject "History", it talks about the past, the history.. In my country, we learned about the days when Malaysia was still under British until the Malaysia we're now proud of. I've never passed by history since high school, never even bother to look at the text book. It's boring, it makes me sleep and on top of that.. I don't understand the meaning of learning history.

"Those who doesn't know History will always repeat the mistakes"

Will you remember to keep your shoes inside your house when your fave sneakers was stolen?

Will you be careful on the road when you spend hundreds to fix the car?

Will you cheat on someone when your ex cheated on you?

Life ain't easy, we all know that. But there's no shortcut, either you make it to the end or giving up before it ends. For those who's having problems, remember that the world doesn't stop revolving for you, the days are for you to pass so that you will harvest the bittersweet fruit.

Good Luck.

Hong Kong Super Series Final

2009-11-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

Dato' Lee Chong Wei

Malaysian envy you for being able to represent the country, because of your great achievement, we're proud of you.
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My father complained how sissy you are for wearing rings and necklace during game, that was when you lost to Lin Dan from CHina during Olympic 2008. We thought you weren't giving your best, because there were no intention of offencing plays from you, but now.. we think differently.
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You've disappeared for almost 2 months caused by the knee injury, mistakes were expected from everyone before the game, and forgiveness were ready if you didn't perform well. However, you prove us wrong not only by winnning the game at the Hong Kong superseries, but performing so DAMN well, after all the fast saving & recovering, we could tell your performance was at the top form. There were hilarous part when you're able to recover and Peter nor the audience was expecting it, but the moment that carved deep in my memory was you returned the smash with a back trick, everyone burst out in laughter, even the opponent himself couldn't believe it, as if he's playing against the bouncing wall.
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Last but not least, congratulations for winning the Hong Kong Super Series, and thanks for entertaining us. Malaysia Boleh! Lee Chong Wei Boleh!

Carved Within: Hated oF Transportations

2009-10-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

My Ang Pow is gone, i've been keeping them since New Year, and now it's no longer in my sight.

Feelin so pissed off and mad, I was keeping them for luck and also emergencies. but now... it's gone, damn it, and the mood got worse when M told me i throw it away, it's just impossible.. I have absolute NO IDEA on earth how did I manage to throw it away without any memories of it.

My mom is complaining about the usage of the credit card. Hope to tell her my usage of the petrol is d round trip to work every weekdays, Badminton to Kelana Jaya every Wednesday & Saturday, and that's all. Other usages are delivering documents to the good-for-nothing Secure Express INX Sdn Bhd located at Shah Alam, which they're suppose to pick up from my office but they didn't for so many many times and i've lost count of it. My mom used my car for massage, friend's house, church. One thing i don't like other using my car was because they don't treasure things that doesn't belong to them. The person I hate driving my car the most is my brother, he's the type of person who accelerate and break for short distance *example: Bum to Bum*, not only it consume lots of petrol but also shorten the lifespan of the tires and breaks, the worst of all... he will not pay for any repair if the car is ever damaged, therefore my car is off limits to my brother no matter what reason he give.

My parents are the same kind of drivers. Father owns a Mercedes Benz, every time he enter his car, he will sit still for a second, checking everything, making sure the air-cond is close before starting the engine, every little problem from the car will be fixed within that day. But when he drive my car, it doesn't bother him if the aircond is still on the moment he turn off the engine but starting the car with the air-cond on, maybe he doesn't care what will happen to the car as long as he's not the one paying for it. Mother will pay for it, but her driving style is still the same as my brother, break, accelerate, which consumes lots of petrol and shorten the lifespan of my tires and handbreak.

If you're saying i'm selfish, i'm totally fine and agree with it, but at the end of the day i just want to remind you, who deserve to pay for mistakes caused by someone else?

Supernatural

2009-10-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

During work, I usually spent my time going through all the documents, checking the mail or keeping my facebook update. But today my colleague called me out to the operation room.
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There's only a door differentiate between the office room & the operation room, so i kinda just had to walk out to reach them. I wish i've never hear this, cause "Fear is often greater than the danger itself".
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With all the valuable stock in the storeroom, it's a must for us to install a CCTV to always keep check of everything, although i hardly look at it unless there's a customer pressing the bell. My colleague told me to look at the CCTV (Storeroom), at first... I thought he was asking me to look at the outside CCTV where it can clearly see my car parking right opposite the company door, i'm looking at it... THANKFULLY, i saw nothing.
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But he insisted and convince that he saw something crossing by.. *GuLp*, was he trying to scare me? I bet he was, so i asked anther colleague who was standing right next to us to tell me he's trying to make me look like a chicken, haha, guess what she said? "Memang ada nampak" .......... 0.0 ............ SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Help...?

Carved Within: Race Back Home

2009-10-07T00:56:00.000-07:00

Since primary school, i've been taught by my teachers not too look down in other races and also never discriminate them just because they're 1% out of 100&.

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Sadly, I have very racist parents at home, they always think Chinese is the best race among other races in M'sia, sometimes whenever I talked about a non-chinese friend, they will ask me not to hang around too much with them.

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Why did they see things different from mine? Did they grow up in a time where Malays are killing Chinese because they once lost the election? Or they saw countless Mat Rempik on the road putting their life on the bet with God whether they should win the race or lose their life?

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Very lucky of me, few of my best friends were non-chinese. 1st will be Jessie Janaki, an Indian where we meet each other in the same class at Sunway University College, we had been great friend ever since, talking about our future, and sharing sad and happy moment together. I've seen the impatient side of her, when she realise she was in love with someone, the joy she had when her feeling was returned, and the tears and anger when things had gone down the drain, but we keep in touch, just to tell each other to hang on, cos each of us will be there.

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Another best friend of mine, which i think i've made her sad and unhappy for a very long time until i couldn't even look at her and ask for forgiveness, but yet... she forgave me, thank god. Yup, she's Bilqis Binti Razin (Hope I didn't spell your name wrongly). I meet her during MSSD back in 2002, we were both selected for representitive in MSSS, she was the tallest in the team and she took my pose, haha. When MSSS ended, together with Yen Chiew, the 3 od us compete in streetball spalding 3-on-3, we got the 2nd price, it was so so close beating Kar Suet, Fat Fat & Yoke Ling, maybe if we worked a bit harder back then, we could beat them. Recently, she flew to Korea to further her studies, and i see her off at the airport, together with our friends and also her family & raltives, I still remembered your brother and mom cried when you passed the imigration, i'm sure they missed you a lot after you've left for not more than a day. I'm sorry Bil, for not being there when you're back, and breaking the promises i made, somehow i've not forgiven myself, but still... thank you for forgiving me.

This is a picture of Bilqis & Me during a basketball competition.

Carved Within: Diary

2009-09-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm tired, tired from my parents, I don't respect them when I don't gain any from them even after I showed it.

How much I wish I could get a high pay job, get myself a house of my own and stay out. Tears aren't allowed to fall as it's not allowed by me, because tears show weakness, poeple take advantage of it.

Looking up at the raining sky, wonder how long has it been since someone will hold me close, knowing I shouldn't had have to carry the burden and sadness all by myself. The raining sky was so beautiful, as if it's washing up the earth, and mixing up the tears that slowly, unbearably escaping from my eyes. Hugged by the rain, no one knows i'm feeling sad, not seen by anyone, how good that is... but they only come occasionally, what a waste.

Listening to the song "Only Human" from Japanese Drama "1 Litre oF Tears", recommended by Bilqis, how sad yet encouraging, encouraging us to be strong, be brave, hang in there and help will soon be there. Who am i? I'm a nobody trying to be somebody, somebody someone will recognise and look up to.. I'm tired.. and i need a place to hide, please....

Carved Within: Jen's Tattoo

2009-09-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

This is Jen's Tattoo, born at 28th Sept 2009, made in Ipoh. Would say this tattoo is nicely done, with the japanese words.

The B2 stands for "Be Brave", and the Japanese words beside means "Please Remember To Be Brave".

For people like Jen, always fear of pain & torture can be easily bully by others even when they don't mean it, at the end of the day, she'll cry and start complaining...

Carved Within: The Raya Weekend

2009-09-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

The Raya Weekend

There's really nothing much to do during the weekend, instead of going somewhere for vacation i would prefer to stay at home and rest throughout the day.

I went for grocery shopping, there's some ingredients i need to look out for making the meal as my parents are away for a cousin's wedding where i've luckily escaped the smelly car full of perfume, my parents knew i'm very very sensitive to perfumes yet they're both using it. People always think what's wrong with putting perfumes and stuff like that, but for my situation, these smell can give me a VERY VERY bad headache, and most of the time it will make me puke, damn it!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the weekend.. Everyone will say wear your seatbelt when you see a police car nearby or a road block in front of you, but how many did caught by the police for not wearing the seatbelt? I'm gonna tell you this, I JUST DID!!!!!!!!!! So ladies and gentlement, although is a short distance, please please please wear your seatbelt or else you will end up just like me. Yeah yeah, there's something the Malaysian like to call "Kopi", so what do we actually mean by that word? Easy, settle it undertable, haha! You're wrong!!!!

Here's the dialog of what happened after i'm being called to stop at the side X.X

Police: *Waving his hand* (Yeah yeah, asking us to wind down the window)

Me: Yaa?

Police: Sila tunjuk lesen anda.

(Getting the license out from the wallet & handing it to the police)

Me: Nah.

Police: Kesalahan kamu tak pakai tali pinggan, sangat bahaya tau? Nak Pergi mana ni..?

Me: Balik rumah lah, ingat dekat aje.

Police: Lain kali ingat pakai, bahaya ni. (Writing the "saman")

Me: Saman ni berapa ah..? (Malaysian should know what it means *Giggle*)

Police: Sorry boss, hari ni ketua yang panggil kamu henti, kalau ku panggil ku boleh bantu. *Handing over the saman* Bayar kat balai polis puchong, ada diskaun kompound.

Me: (Sob Sob, gonna cry soon) Ya, Thank You Boss.

Suddenly a black saga wind stopped next to my car, they were looking at me laughing and smiling, by using sign language they're asking me what's my offence for being caught, by using back the sign language, i told them seatbelt, and they hurry and put on their seatbelt, hahaha, but it's too late, cause the police saw them!

Well, i'm kinda sad that they caught me on this one, but i would prefer to see a fair justice then giving the world an impression of Malaysia ia a country that can settle everything through money. I've learnt my lesson, and will becareful in the future.

Carved Within: Amcorp Mall

2009-09-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

5th Sept 2009

It was Saturday morning, I was having Prawn Mee for breakfast with Mun at State, seems that it had been our routine for morning breakfast, since the prawn noodle taste owesome and they owner never hesitate to give every bowl of noodle the whole egg.

My mobile service had send a several message to inform me that my usage had exceeded 80% of the limit, so i decided to pay the bill at Amcorp Mall. This mall is where the CHS student hang out after or before school hours, as a former student of that school, i'm actually quite familiar with the building.

The Tele Center located near the entrance on the ground floor, i payed my bill, and decided to walk around the building since i've never been here for quite some time. When we're planning to head back to the car after a phone call from a friend asking us to be there in an hour, i notice an indian guy was standing behind Mun at the escalator, we were very near to the end of the escalator, so might as well walk a little faster and let the man pass.

After we exited the escalator, we head toward the entrance where an autopay machine should be there as well, this is when i notice he was still walking right behind us, and i started to feel curious and comfirm if he's following us. I pulled Mun to the side with me and hug her, that man stopped as well, that's when i comfirm, he was following us.

I pulled Mun to the other direction, but heading toward the entrance as well. I thought i had to pay the parking ticket at the autopay machine, still.... the man was standing somewhere near our place，when the ticket was inserted into the machine all of a sudden i notice he was right behind me, i wasn't freak out, but i was getting more and more angry, i feel like grabbing his phone and ask him what's his problem with us, or maybe take a chair from the starbucks coffe and knock directly into his bold head. But in the end, i choose not to get involve in violence, as i know violence will only lead to revenge. Thank God they were helding some antique, the entrance was crowded and people are selling their credit card service, and from my past experience a security will always be there to watch out for trouble. I told the security about that indian guy, seems like he disappeared the moment we talk to the security, soon we enter the car and leave, but still paying attention at our surrounding in case that idiot came out of no where in his vehicles.

We're not allowed to have knifes in our cars, and it definitely doesn't sound like me if i have a pepper spray with me. So i think i'm gonna take my mom's advice, go to a petshop and get myself an extra large cow skin bone, i guess i could tell the police that it's for my doggie, but the truth is... i'm gonna whack ppl up with it. Ladies, be observant with your surroundings, because you never know someone might be following you the moment u enter the shopping mall until you decide to go back to your car, always always have someone to accompany you, and last but not least, it's better to run than to fight back, and i belive i made a right choice.

Carved Within: 51st Agung Cup 2009

2009-08-31T20:41:00.000-07:00

Kelantan Team : Agung Cup 2009

Yesterday night about 11:30pm, i receive a call from Mei, asking about our sis' -Kai Leng-'s where about. Yes, we'll make ourself free and try to meet you up tonight, so please wait for our news k?

But of course, whenever she called lately, what interest me more is one of the biggest basketball competition in Malaysia Agung Cup(元首杯). Last Thursday, she started complaining about a coach, who might not be so suitable to be a coach for a big competition as he couldn't analyse the situation correctly and not to mention to use the right method for troubleshooting.

As an audience and also a basketball player, i think this particular coach had made an unforgivable mistake. There's a good player playing in KL team, she's "Wen Rou", several MVP (Most Valuable Player) title were taken by her. I was told before the game she had hurt one of her foot, but because the team did not perform well, she requested to play on that game. Yes, i understand how can one just sit and watch while she thinks she can turn the game around, but later on.. as if her shoulder's joint had separated, finding it hard to hold the ball tight enough to avoid others to steal it from her. Does a shoulder injury (which is not a small injury to me) less important than a winning game in a big event?

Picture of Players from team Kelantan, Big Fishes in a Big Pond. This is most certainly one of the craziest thing i've ever heard in the history of M'sia Basketball. The ladies Final between Kelantan - Ex-National Players VS Johor - Current-National Players, basically is between old school and new school, average age from Kelantan team was 34.5, it surprise me to see all the ex-national players who are still so passionate about basketball and decided to come back out for a game of their life. I wish i could turn back time, get my butt into the car and drive to Nilai to witness the game, heard it's a very close match, Johor was not satisfied with the game, as they claimed the opponent happened to use some dirty tricks, in the end they had lost to Kelantan by one point.

There are no limited in how far one can go, but how much can you give to achieve what you want. A loss is a Loss, you can't turn back time and you can't change the result, you're energetic, young, and a bright future in basketball ahead of you. Cause one day, you will be the what they did today, beating the national teams up, appearing in newspapers headline.

Carved Within: "July" 2009

2009-08-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

Here comes the month i hate the most throughout the year, which is the month of "July" in chinese calender. I'm sure the 1st number you will think of is "14", yups, we all know it very well, it's the month of Hungry Ghost Festival.

My parents used to tell me not to go out on the 14th & 15th of "July" because that will be the worst day throughout the whole Festive Month. I hate horror movies a lot, i never wanted to watch them, and i hope i never know them because all they did was put up some stupid advertisement at the cinema, create some trailer to lure you into the movie, and buying the tickets just to get scared from them and having a hard time sleeping at night, honestly... i hate it, but sometimes i just had to get my head down, move my feet and get the money out from the wallet and having trouble sleeping at night, damn it.

Not only the horror movies like to release during this festive, people will be sending chain message around, no matter through mails, facebook, and especially handphones, which is absolute very very annoyed by it. But what can i say? Sometimes is just better to know the rules than to ignore it, so what you should do and what you shouldn't.

Honestly... i don't know what people do during this festive other than my father will pray every 1st & 15th day of the month, and putting some busicuit by the road side for the so called "hungry ghost" that have no home to go, no relatives or love ones to visit, and will be hangging out at the road all alone. That's all, oops... maybe some candles, which I don't know what is it for.

I wish everyone safe & sound all time, 出入平安。

Carved Within : The Mark oF Tear Drop Behind mY Phone

2009-08-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

I seldom rush myself into relationships, because at the end of the day this quote will still remain as the teacher of my life "It's better to stay alone than settle down with the wrong person".

There are so many to do in this life alone, one of the best invention created by mankind is music, and i choose piano. Tons songs i wish to play and lots of music sheet i've collected, from popular music like "Secret by Jay Chow" to "Eternity of Lightwaves by Nobuo", all this music inspired me, filling up every second in my life, and believe it.. this is when each and every second in your life counts, each keys you press are a step closer for you to learn something new. Wishing i could play like my best friend Melz, the passion she have for music is one of the greatest thing i've seen in my life, i believe she could play so much more better and reach a higher standard if finance aren't in her way. If i'm not mistaken i think she'll be taking Diploma exams in piano soon, best of luck, that's all i can say.

2nd best creation are sports. It doesn't cost much, and here... i choose basketball, ping-pong, & badminton. I believe badminton are one of the most expensive sports among the one i listed, since the rental of the court is so expensive. I had to say because of sports, i had many buddies who share the interest with me, and that makes us hang out a lot, something even travelling outstation for competition. But i wasn't good enough, i wish i could do better, i wish i could still improve myself. Now i'm trying out badminton, wouldn't say it's something new for me, but i've left it for more than 10 years, and now picking it up really test my patient, no matter win or lose, i'm still gonna try my best, and never stop improving myself.

3rd best creation of mankind: GAMES!! How many game player you've seen in the market? The most common are of course, Play Station 3 (the latest), X-Box 360, Wii which enable to create a clear and real life looking screen, this show how great and advance our technology is right now. My brother bought a Wii back home last week, and i finally bought a new game yesterday, i would say a game i've always wanted to play but when i finally sat down looking at screen and holding to my controller, i notice this game need more than skills to play, courage, any idea what game is it? Here's the answer, Residen Evil 4, Zombies, and Cruel Mankind disgusting~Eww~

No matter how, i can't shake off the aching in my heart, everytime the memories flash back, it just reminded me of the tears i've been holding back. My love had been returned, but it wasn't enough, people are greedy, which is why life is never enough. I never stop trying, because i know there's space of improvement, i never give up, cause that's what determine win & lose. I found someone, who always gives up, someone who has great potential, almost flawless, but gives up easily, i'm trying so hard to tell that person to get up and move on, but most importantly.. don't expect spoon feeding, you don't try things yourself you'll never know, you never fall down until it hurt so much, you'll never remember the pain that keeps you going on.

I hope i can be a better person for you.

Carved Within : Person I HaTe

2009-08-04T18:48:00.000-07:00

痛恨父亲。

真想知道他讲话有没有经过大脑，跟别人讲他是我的父亲真是一件可笑的事。从小到大我都没碰过神台的东西，经过也懒得看多一眼，他还不知道我不喜欢接触那些东西，真是一个笨又不体贴的糟老头。

初十五，另一个伙计没有上班，通常都会是他在老板还没进来之前先把需准备的东西洗好弄好，而因为他的病假，我得代替他做，没关系，做到就做。郑先生打电话到公司，吩咐我“把地主公的杯子洗好”，就照做...一到公司骂个有的没的说为什么我没把神台上的杯子一起洗，算！还不奋气要讲过一句“为什么你那么笨的？”他妈的老母，我不做你讲我不孝顺跟着你的意思做你骂我笨不如你自己做更好？！？！闲别人做不好就自己做回，闲别人做的不够好就自己不要懒自己做完。

每次都是你把我惹得那么气，等我有天离开家不理你的时候那就是你该死！

Carved Within: 对你对得累了

2009-06-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

从小到大，我对家人的印象都不怎么好，是否我被宠坏？还是我只想记住所有不美好的经验？

不知何时开始，开始反抗母亲，她讲的每件事都让人觉得可笑，也不想回答任何问题。口上是说为我好，事实是想从我身上得到好处。我的工作，不想让她知道。她不能服输，或许在她世界你根本没有输这一回事，要的东西就算用抢也得得到手，最好的方法是什么呢？骂，喊，像个疯女人，我已要二十一岁了，已差不多成年了，能不能给我一点尊重？好让脸上能够留下一分尊严？

我有自己的决定，也有自己痛恨的东西。

一：痛恨被逼
二：痛恨挨骂；做错为何不能好好说？非得提高声音让全世界的人都知道？
三：痛恨您的道理；或者我应该说是歪理吧，把自己讲得多好，或许在你自己的范围里是最好的，但我很肯定在我心里，所有的东西都是废话。

我承认自己的态度是有问题，但你有好得了我多少？你身边都多少朋友？你的家人对你有好不好？身边的人会像镜子般反射你本身的态度，我不会迁就你，就把错怪在我身上吧，我累了，不想理了，你喜欢怎样是你自己的事。

Carved Within: The Reflection oF a Mirror

2009-05-04T23:34:00.000-07:00

I'm glad you found me, because without each and everyone of you, it wouldn't have been me.

You gave me a 2nd chance to pay up for my mistaken i made in the past, you made me realise my past and weakness, you reminded me the way to respect, your taught me what is it like to be patient, you all had make me... a better person, therefore... i thank you.

Because of you, I realise how nice it is to be appreciate, care, & respect by someone. Before i was up for the task, i just told myself not to regret this decision; After you stepped into my life, I want to bring you to where i am today.

I've always thought there shouldn't be anything to worry about as long as i bear everything on my own, but i was wrong... if one keeps caring for you, you will never bear the burden alone, everything you did or say will deeply effect them.

You look like a reflection of me, when i'm pissed off, showing my anger and thinks that nothing else matters, but i realise no matter how angry or bad tempered you get... I never want to stop caring for you, because your action was did on a temporary anger, which you didn't mean it. No.. maybe I knew it all along, but there isn't anyone who would go that far for me, and there i thought.. i'm the only one, alone in this world..

I'll do my best, so please... have faith in me...

Cerved Within: When you Fell Down

2009-04-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

I thought as long as i did my best, i have nothing to regret, but now that i know... i was wrong.

I've forgotten, i always tell people around me that they still have space for improvement, no matter how good they are, or maybe even if they had did their very best, but it's just not enough. We have all forgotten the world is changing, changing rapidly sometimes people are just not capable of keeping up with it.

Being so weak, all i wish now is to stop for a few seconds, hide behind a friend's back and cry it out..but silently, afterall.. it's not my style to let others know i'm not feeling well.

Tend to be there for those who need, because the feeling of being capable of doing nothing is the worst. This is the feeling that always manage to pull me out from success, knock me out the hill, no doubt.. i hated it, i hate it, and it will not change in the future.

My Strength is Equal to my Weakness, the Trump is nothing more than a piece of card when it reveal it's identity. The moment i found out i had lost, i lost my confident, the courage to step further, it may be small, but it's hard. Nothing is easy, and nothing are too hard either, but i just hope.... i could be more than who i am, i'm more than what can be seen through apprearance.

Art of Crisis Core FF VIII

2009-02-10T00:05:00.000-08:00

Before i realise, i've found myself hypnotized in the game of Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core, the story behind Zack Fair, and this character made the story more fancinating.

I've knew from the very beginning that the person is going to die at the end of the story, but cause it had been told in the 1st release in Play Station Dual Shock, but to actually look through his life and watch him die, is rather torturing and never the less .. sad ..

Every soundtrack clearly reminded me of the scene in the process, and i'm always caught in it, how much i wish i were part of it. Secrets were discovered, that the world doesn't belong to good or evil, dark and light, the world were standing right between them, and people choose their path, believing in the honor of themself, and embracing their dream, although the dream might seems unattainable to others. The spirit Zack had in him, the will to believe, and those who are so dear to him, he wanted to protect them, but unfortunately .. he wasn't able to do so .. as Angeal had reserved a place for him at the Lifestream, but it's alrite, he had successfully defend his honor as a SOLDIER by beating off a bulk of Shinra Army, and to keep Cloud alive.

So Cloud, you're his living legacy, you're the proof of Zack's living, the dreams and honor of Zack had been passed on to you, and you carry both of them, living with them .. Zack, you must've been missing Aerith even after you were shot in the head, but i bet she's missing you back the way you missed her too, and how cruel it is to accept the fate that she can no longer .. see you, you promised you'll find her after the mission at Nebelheim, remember? But now... you'll be watching over her from above .. Last but not least ..

"Zack, Oyasumi"

Home VS Away

2009-01-21T17:23:00.000-08:00

We had a re-match, we thought we could finally play fair without having to run non-stop for more than 30 minutes, but things aren't turning out any better for us.

At 1st, the referees are being complained by us that there were so many mistakes but mostly travel & foul are not blown by them, they were bring unfair, but not long after.. the home team shouted at the refree for not catching the away, and as a refree is being unfair to both parties.

I believe the refree have the right to judge whenever it's necessary, that's why coaches are allowed to be blow for technical foul for their unsporting behavior during the game. As the refrees were trying to calm the coach from home, he started to raised his voice, yelling and complaining how unfair the refree is, the funniest thing is the coach even complained on the rough way we played.

If we're going to compare the coughness between the team from home & away, with all your respect, i really think you need to take a GOOD ＬＯＯＫａｔ your ｏｗｎ players before judging us. The away were standing by, in the post of defending the basket, and players from home will run into us and push us away but the refree ain't blowing anything. Fine, if the refree thin it's ok, then that's how we're going to play. We were not faking the smiles, we tried to play a happy-goes-fun game, but it's your players that turn the whole thing around.

Players from home are very accurate under the basket, keep it up.

What my sight told my mind

2009-01-20T03:45:00.000-08:00

Sprained my finger, both the finger where people always place on during their wedding, i guess it just mean it's not ready for me to get those rings yet...

Life is back to the normal routine, work, eat & sleep. I no longer know what is it that i've been wanting to achieve in life, i can't help but feel i'm hopeless at a time like this.

Am i being test? I didn't want to judge this, when i know how heartless and cruel i can be when i determine to do it, everything will end up me hating myself, therefore there's no reason for me to do that... no matter how much i would be blamed, how foolish i could be in front of everyone around me, my goal in life... is never regret any decision i make.

No longer i have someone special to miss, someone to keep me motivated, someone who i would always look forward to meet. The world look so empty to me, when it's filled with laughter and entertainment, but all i could care to see or took into consideretion was the sad and depressed moments. I've been telling myself there's no one that could be trust forever, and there isn't someone who would willingly stay by your side wtihout asking for anything back in return, these hopes and dreams were just themselves, nothing more than that. Too much betrayal, it had taught me not to let my guard down easily, i hate it like this "Never Believe & you will never be betrayed; Never get close & you will never get hurt", i hope this sentences will stay with me as long as possible, so that i won't have to remind myself i've been living in a fake life.

Dedicated to Bilqis

2009-01-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since i last chat with you on the phone, and no doubt that i miss you a lot.

I think it's been a long time since we drop each other a mail in our mail box as well, this call... really bring back memories.

I can imagine the life without a place where you really belong, and you have no one to depend on when things get rough, so i'll try to make sure to respond to you whenever i could.

In a good way of looking at things, is that you're able to travel around, adapt yourself into a new lifestyle, learn a new language. I wonder how is it like in Korea... what's the fashion lifestyle there, somehow i would really really love to see that... and of course, to be there with you and share some good memories together.

Bil....i miss you and i meant it, i can't wait to have you back during summer time. Miss you, please don't forget to let me know if anything's up k? I will keep my blog updated often so that you could look into my life.

~Dedicated to Bilqis~

过去还是现在？

2009-01-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

我知道身边的人都只是想要我改去一个更好的我，但有时事实的确有点难听，再次让我觉得... 其实我是一个很软弱的人，所谓“一山还有一山高”，比我好的人恐怕多的数不清。

花了那么多时间去做同一样的东西，不断地磨练自己希望每天都能进步一点点，但... 此终还是不够。讨厌这样的我，总是经不起考验。

不喜欢被安慰，没有必要让别人看到自己的软弱，若真的想赢就别理会别人的眼光不断地让自己去进步，不可以靠任何人去生活。只要有自己，只要自己还拥有养活自己的能力，就绝对不会再让自己崩溃。

最近开始发觉到没有人陪的时候能做什么了，能弹钢琴，读书，听音乐，玩电动游戏，看戏，做些自己没有做过的事。并不难嘛...只有自己的生活，只要不断地提醒自己若遇到任何困难，是没有人能帮到自己。

为什么在我想忘掉的时候才知道一切都是一场误会？为什么总得在找到另一个出口的时候才发现到原来自己从没被放弃过？到底是怎么一回事？是要我做出一个选择？还是想测试我？重要的只有几个，但为什么得从中做出选择？很迷糊，很累.....

2009-01-07T07:16:00.000-08:00

I read through my friendster blog entirely, from the 1st blog i wrote, and from it i notice that most of m blog reflects to the side of me who are emotionally unstable.

Doesn't it feel weird and at the same time, funny? Someone who have so much to say doesn't have any audience to listen, when the words came out it often reflect to the unsatisfied situation.

For example how boring life could be, how silly it is to fall in love, and how the memory live in the scar, as if the spirit have some unfininsh business and staying there.

There's a flash back of my past, ran across my mind... Remembering every little single detail where it had hurt, i could feel the pain for that moment, but never willing to share. Keeping the feeling bottled up my face, unable to say nor do much, just running the mind to consistently thinking about it.

How many times has it been...? Ever since i'm tired of getting into a relationship, to know someone.. to hide myself, to be the person better than myself but in the end it all turned out to be a lie. I love to read Yaoi stories, it's forbidden, a taboo, but the character are struggling to overcome countless obstacles, i wish i could have their spirit, and a partner who will be standing by my side to support me.

Constantly, i'll be reminding myself not to trust people easily, countless betrayal, i've even lost track of the relationship i since my first partner until now. I'm used to the life without being questioned, the lazyness of answering question, sometimes even calls or messages, i'm just too lazy to even bother them.

What's the purpose in my life? What is it that i want to achieve? I have no idea, i don't even know what is keeping me going, maybe revenge... or even hatred. I wish i could find something that keeps me moving...

Dedicated to Jen & Chi

2008-12-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

This is a another new start for me, at first i meet this girl, and things were going well until there's a problem occur between us. She reminded me of the me in the past, she had taught me how cruel i was back then, ignoring ppl, and avoiding them for the whole them, to those people... i would like to appoligize.

But the fact doesn't change that... one most important thing, to never trust someone so easily, i trusted you, i told you i'm serious in our relationship, and it's hard for me to think that it's the end of us. Who would push away the person who had been wanting to kiss her? And which couple would tell their partner that they're sick and in the middle of 2:30am she appear outside with her friend looking fine? I guess i'm the fool this time, thanks for teaching me all these, now that i will be more careful dealing with others.

Because of you, i experience sadness, betrayal, dissapointment & anger again, the days were hard, having myself hanging in the middle of no where because of your selfishness, but in the end you still don't realise your own mistake, that's the best i could give you, nothing more.

I'm so glad and lucky, that i have friends that will still be by my side when i needed them. There's so many lesson, mistakes and process that are reminded in this experience, they reminded me how cheerful a person can be, and all of this shit is just part of the process in a life, if i don't make mistake, if i don't fall, if i'm not hurt, i'll never learn and it will keep repeating again and again but i'm still not leaning anything.

I would like to specially thank Jen & Ah Chi, for being there for me when i thought no one will be there. I was alone at the hill, smoking and listening music all by myself thinking the same thing being repeated over and over again, a little joke, a little care, and lots of smile and laughter had cheer me up, knowing both of you is the best i could have in my life, trillion of thanks to both of you, i appreciate everything that had been given to me by both of you, you cheer my day up. That's the best i could ask from a friend, once again... Thanks Jen & Thanks Ah CHi.