AMeiZING Concert Live In Malaysia & Introduction of someone New

AMeiZING Live In Malaysia - Stadium Merdeka

Yes, you've guessed it, this is the most expensive ticket for the whole concert, it cost RM 498.00 for each ticket, and there are two, for my lover & me.

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The concert was awesome, A Mei Rocks!! Hell Yeah!! At the same time, there were sentimental side of it where the singer sang a 40 minutes non stop soothing music, with stories of her life, the up and downs of her career. It would definitely be a waste if I did not go for the concert.

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Just in case you were wondering who did I brought with me, look at the picture above. (Location: A Mei's concert Stadium)

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This is my current girlfriend, Stephy, but I just call her Steph. Funny how we came to know each other, she is actually my brother's classmate back in Elementary School in Yuk Chun. 

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The guy on the right is my 'Daddy' he went to the same school as my brother, both Elementary & High School, but we only got close after graduation cause he hooked up with one of my best friend. And he is the reason I get to know Steph.
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One night, 'Daddy' was invited to a Elementary Class gathering, it was suppose to be a drinking event, but that place was more like a semi Club concept, and everyone just dance the night away.
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Waiting outside the shop for the group's arrival, funny, whenever someone saw me, they will say 'She look familiar' until 'Daddy' said, she's Andrew's younger sis, everyone was like p(OoO)q, anyway, I'm used to it. During the dance part, I was standing at the corner drinking, and she came to greet me, ask if I'm feeling bored. I was actually, until a sudden question popped out from her, 'Are you a Lesbian?' Maybe my eyes did rolled a bit, but still manage to answer with a cool tone 'I'm a Bisexual, my partner can be either a man or a women'. And this is how it all started.....

Last night, my confident scattered into the form of sands, I felt so lost, had trouble sleeping, so what I usually do to put myself to sleep, is just a can of beer drank in high speed & a cigarette to make my head dizzy. This works 90% of the time, before I realise, i've already got addicted to it.
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Always afraid to share out my problems, because I thought no one could understand, non other than God himself could, but He is not physically there with me, and I have no idea where He is..
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Am I the one who gave everyone hopes? And when it wasn't fulfilled, it's always accompanied by dissapointment? Will I ever be forgiven if I do all these in exchange everything I could? Many of these questions wandered around me, it made me realise how feeble I am.
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What will happen if I selfishly walk away from all these questions? Will I be blame? Having a great pokerface, it fooled everyone, constantly hide all the emotions behind it, knowing how real it can be, how effective it is, before noticing it... I am way too strong in everyone's impression.
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How far more? How much more? How long more? What more?

Just another day that passed

It's Thaipusm, all I know about this occasion is when I was still in primary, my dad would always drag me to visit the temples around Selangor, from Taman Jaya to Batu Caves, it was tiring, the smoke made me cry and the jokstick burned my hands, which is the main reason to think this wasn't the right place for me. Slowly, I distance myself from this occasion as far as I can, no matter just to go out for practice or giving some stupid excuse like visiting my friend (While i'm actually around the neighbourhood looking for a dog n have it accompany me.
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On top of that, today, is a Thursday, my students booked me on every Thursday night for basketball training, the team is small, but elite, spending time with them talking about basketball & playing is so fun that it's the best stress release for me. But now... it just seems another responsible to fulfill before the day come. They're on their own, however, i still hope a friend of mine would guide them until the day of competition is there. Sad, but it will no longer be my credit when I leave, but all the glory belongs to the team itself, and also... their new coach. Therefore good luck to you, each & everyone of you.
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Distaning myself from friends is somehow a relieve, escaping all questions, is what I need, especially those who just know too much. No longer i'm bound with commitment from relationship, neither much in friendship, that's what I think, other than those who are still standing by my side when not asking question, they just hang out to get crazy with me I guess, with all the liquor & alcohol, what more can I ask from a friend?
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I was.. and still am angry at a friend, because I wasn't her main priority, just because she made a mistake, I distance more from her, knowing it will not change the fact that trust will not be as deep as before anymore. I'm sorry for getting angry at you, but I still hope you will find out what you mistake was.
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Emotionally, it could be 40% stable & 60% unstable, or sometimes the other way round. It can't be help, what I feel isn't within one's control, but what the exterior show. Selfish me, I know that very well, let's just hope I could look back and laugh about it.
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你终于说出口
其实你早就已经不爱我
为什么要低著头
你知道这玩笑骗不倒我
可是这不是玩笑
是要逃避你离开我的理由
我还能做什么
你已经不爱我
我一直都爱著你难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
一心想离开我
我终于也说出口
其实很爱你但从没认真说过
或许是我的错
多在乎你却只放在心中
不要问我为什么
因为爱你这就是我的理由
我还能做什么
你已经不爱我我一直都爱著你难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
没什么需要被原谅
我笑得有些牵强
你知道我总是能够假装不难过
oh 不想看你那么累
多希望再给我机会
颤抖著我的手握住的只是风
还能做什么你已经不爱我
我一直都爱著你难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
一心想离开我~~

It has finally arrive

18 Jan 2011
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We worked hard, overcoming all the obstacle that stand in the way.
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However, the changes was too visible, clear, yet refuse to accept. She refuse to accept the cruel reality, fear it might somehow cause everything down the drain, all effort were wasted.
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Now that it had happened, it was calm, rational, accepted by both, what was realise is that not a single effort was put to waste, at least that's what she think. The day seems unusual, seems empty, the motivation faded, and now... she come back to square 1.
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Time... is needed to clear the mind of those who seems too hard to bear, please allow me to go back to who I was, allow me to use my way to solve the knot in my heart, and therefore.. I welcome back my friends who is always there by my side whenever i'm not in good condition, they are cigarettes & alcohol. Get me drunk, get me dizzy, let me sleep, and work endlessly when i'm not, fill my time with everything but her, drag me out of this darkness.
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I used to say, when this end, i will leave, to a faraway land where i can start all over again, while deep inside, there's someone important, someone i'm very protective of, someone who's no longer my concern. And therefore, i will leave, to Taiwan, if thing are settled down there, might consider staying and applying for Permanant Residence, if i wish to come back, i will not contact those who will effect my emotion. This had somehow made things easier, i have no worries, and i'm ready to leave, i'm pretty sure there will be someone a lot better than me out there waiting for you, good bye.
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Lesley

My "Pepper" Ferret

16th Sept 2010

Today was a very very hot day, the weather at night made my air-cond look so "weak" as if it can't beat the heat. If me as a human could hardly tolerate this heat, it must be extremely difficult for my Pepper as well.
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Pepper is a ferret, she's very cute, the fur made her look like a panda, blacky fur on her hand, leg and around the neck. Ferret usually stays in cool weather, unfortunately for me, I live in a tropical country, and the weather is getting worst and worst because of the globalization.
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I went out to check at Pepper, she was sleeping like a human, face, hand, and leg were facing up, haha. As soon as she woke up, she rushed to the water bottle and drank lots lots of water, half bottle of water was gone, I was surprise, and there i thought "She is very healthy if she drinks this much water everyday". Things started to feel weird after i being her back from the usual "play ground" which is actually the backyard of the house, it's open air. I always prepare a big bowl of water for her to dive in, just in case she needs to drink water, of she feel like playing in it. .
At first, she is scared of water, but as soon as she finds out that the bowl wasn't that deep, slowly she put herself in it, like having a Spa or Jacuzzi. But today, she does't seems to be going in, i notice she's panting really hard and drooling ver frequently, immediately it came to my mind, something is not right, my ferret don't normally behave like this. So again, I went to to kitchen, and came back with some cold water, she likes it, and dive in it.
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Night comes, the weather is still hot, something is very very wrong with the weather, it made the temperature rise, it's bad for my pet, i know it. Again, i checked on her at night, she was motionless, lifeless, i started to panic, wondering what's wrong with my ferret. I checked online, found out that ferrets doesn't sweat, which is the main reason why they can't tolerate heat, i refill the bottle with ice water, cover a bunch of ice with her favorite towel, and put her on top of it. After an hour of observing, she's finally getting lively to normal, the ferret who loves to chase around for treat my mom and me gave. Now i'm going to rest, Pepper, i'm sorry for everything i put u through, i love you, so please don't leave me.

11th Months

Yesterday had been a really long day, it's been such a long time since this feeling came back to where it belong.

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It was very tiring, yet miserable.. You've gave your best yet it doesn't turn out the way you expected it to be.

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Prepared for the arrival of this, I show no tears, just expression of sadness & the will of destroying oneself. Alcohol & drunkness are no longer in the list of forgets, now... looking at the land far across the sea, is the only thing i could think of.

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It is indeed the best time to flash all the jokes back to your mind, those that makes you smile, laugh, better yet, those that brings you joy.

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No one should or even deserve to be blame, at the end of the day, it is both heart that are keeping secret unwilling to let out, it all came down to where I am now.

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We show no fear, no laughter, no tears, no emotional expression, but if you were to see them, always remember... they're human, they're just one of us, one will wear a mask, but behind it... you will understand there's no such thing as a calm heart.

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Woke up in the morning with sigh, knowing it's going to be another long day, or even worse... a long week to go. What you can do, is to be strong, and hang in there. As for me, i'll stick to the view of a land far across the sea, and maybe one day... i could reach that place.

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Everything happens for a reason, the bad, the good.. everything.. That's what i believe in, which allows one to forgive the past, look at the future and survive in the present. A saying.. "Yesterday is history; Tomorrow is Mistery; And today is a Gift, which is why it's called the present".

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No longer you know the right thing to do, the dont's, the cure, the element, i'm lost.

Carved Within: Packing Luggage

..I've been blaming Melz for tricking me to this trip, because i knew instead of paying her installment monthly, i should have started saving about 6 months ago.
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This will be the first time going vacation without my parents with me, i'm kinda excited, yet at the same time.. having a hard time about leaving.
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There's this feeling, where it doesn't feel safe, as if i need to be more prepared for the future, cause you never know what might get to you. Certainly hope it wasn't effected by some award winning movies like "Titanic" & "2012".
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One night, my mind was full of it, it scared the crap out of me and I couldn't sleep. How long has it been? Since the last time I have a pillow in my arm with my head bowed down and pray to God, asking Him to calm my soul & spirit down, and to cover me with his blood throughout the journey. I had to admit, I used to doubt Him, but immediately after the prayer, the heart just calm down like the wind above the sea just stopped, the pace of the ocean slowed down.. slowly... you see your self laying at the center of it, without knowing it... I had fallen asleep.
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It strengthened my belief, that He is watching me from above, trying to show me the right path, and also to help me through the time of needs. Thank you Lord.