Last night, my confident scattered into the form of sands, I felt so lost, had trouble sleeping, so what I usually do to put myself to sleep, is just a can of beer drank in high speed & a cigarette to make my head dizzy. This works 90% of the time, before I realise, i've already got addicted to it.
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Always afraid to share out my problems, because I thought no one could understand, non other than God himself could, but He is not physically there with me, and I have no idea where He is..
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Am I the one who gave everyone hopes? And when it wasn't fulfilled, it's always accompanied by dissapointment? Will I ever be forgiven if I do all these in exchange everything I could? Many of these questions wandered around me, it made me realise how feeble I am.
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What will happen if I selfishly walk away from all these questions? Will I be blame? Having a great pokerface, it fooled everyone, constantly hide all the emotions behind it, knowing how real it can be, how effective it is, before noticing it... I am way too strong in everyone's impression.
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How far more? How much more? How long more? What more?

Just another day that passed

It's Thaipusm, all I know about this occasion is when I was still in primary, my dad would always drag me to visit the temples around Selangor, from Taman Jaya to Batu Caves, it was tiring, the smoke made me cry and the jokstick burned my hands, which is the main reason to think this wasn't the right place for me. Slowly, I distance myself from this occasion as far as I can, no matter just to go out for practice or giving some stupid excuse like visiting my friend (While i'm actually around the neighbourhood looking for a dog n have it accompany me.
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On top of that, today, is a Thursday, my students booked me on every Thursday night for basketball training, the team is small, but elite, spending time with them talking about basketball & playing is so fun that it's the best stress release for me. But now... it just seems another responsible to fulfill before the day come. They're on their own, however, i still hope a friend of mine would guide them until the day of competition is there. Sad, but it will no longer be my credit when I leave, but all the glory belongs to the team itself, and also... their new coach. Therefore good luck to you, each & everyone of you.
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Distaning myself from friends is somehow a relieve, escaping all questions, is what I need, especially those who just know too much. No longer i'm bound with commitment from relationship, neither much in friendship, that's what I think, other than those who are still standing by my side when not asking question, they just hang out to get crazy with me I guess, with all the liquor & alcohol, what more can I ask from a friend?
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I was.. and still am angry at a friend, because I wasn't her main priority, just because she made a mistake, I distance more from her, knowing it will not change the fact that trust will not be as deep as before anymore. I'm sorry for getting angry at you, but I still hope you will find out what you mistake was.
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Emotionally, it could be 40% stable & 60% unstable, or sometimes the other way round. It can't be help, what I feel isn't within one's control, but what the exterior show. Selfish me, I know that very well, let's just hope I could look back and laugh about it.
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你终于说出口
其实你早就已经不爱我
为什么要低著头
你知道这玩笑骗不倒我
可是这不是玩笑
是要逃避你离开我的理由
我还能做什么
你已经不爱我
我一直都爱著你难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
一心想离开我
我终于也说出口
其实很爱你但从没认真说过
或许是我的错
多在乎你却只放在心中
不要问我为什么
因为爱你这就是我的理由
我还能做什么
你已经不爱我我一直都爱著你难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
没什么需要被原谅
我笑得有些牵强
你知道我总是能够假装不难过
oh 不想看你那么累
多希望再给我机会
颤抖著我的手握住的只是风
还能做什么你已经不爱我
我一直都爱著你难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
一心想离开我~~

It has finally arrive

18 Jan 2011
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We worked hard, overcoming all the obstacle that stand in the way.
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However, the changes was too visible, clear, yet refuse to accept. She refuse to accept the cruel reality, fear it might somehow cause everything down the drain, all effort were wasted.
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Now that it had happened, it was calm, rational, accepted by both, what was realise is that not a single effort was put to waste, at least that's what she think. The day seems unusual, seems empty, the motivation faded, and now... she come back to square 1.
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Time... is needed to clear the mind of those who seems too hard to bear, please allow me to go back to who I was, allow me to use my way to solve the knot in my heart, and therefore.. I welcome back my friends who is always there by my side whenever i'm not in good condition, they are cigarettes & alcohol. Get me drunk, get me dizzy, let me sleep, and work endlessly when i'm not, fill my time with everything but her, drag me out of this darkness.
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I used to say, when this end, i will leave, to a faraway land where i can start all over again, while deep inside, there's someone important, someone i'm very protective of, someone who's no longer my concern. And therefore, i will leave, to Taiwan, if thing are settled down there, might consider staying and applying for Permanant Residence, if i wish to come back, i will not contact those who will effect my emotion. This had somehow made things easier, i have no worries, and i'm ready to leave, i'm pretty sure there will be someone a lot better than me out there waiting for you, good bye.
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Lesley