Carved Within: Christmas Eve - 09

24th December are formally known as Christmas Eve, usually my family & relatives will be heading back home early for celebration at Uncle's house (Mom's elder brother), but this year they're going to Cambodia during the whole of Christmas week, therefore the celebration was canceled.

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I woke up early in the morning around 7:30am, just to re-check the whole car to look for my driving license, unfortunately... it wasn't there. Tomorrow is Christmas, just in case the police are on the road hunting for "prey", i guess i'll just give in and get a new driving license done in the day.

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Arriving JPJ office located in State, i took a number which i had to wait for about 100+ guess before me, the last time i visited the place (when i lost) after an hour of waiting doing nothing but smsing KM, the number had only passed about 40, and i wasn't sure if they are the happy customer. Finally, i walked out of the waiting room and take some fresh air and meet the hot bright sun, an uncle gave me an "offer" in making things faster, so here's the question, the penalty of restoring a lost license cost RM20.00, if that person's gonna help you make things a little faster, how much do you think is worth to bribe him? Seriously, i have no idea, giving RM10.00 seems a little expensive, so he decided to do it for me for FREE, out of no where he gave a ticket, a ticket which is just a 7 people before me, and honestly... it's really a lot lot faster then having to wait there for another 1 bloody hour, so whoever he is... i want to thank him, maybe i'll buy him lunch if i ever need his help again. And this time i'll make sure to always and always put the license back to where it belong.

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Another dissapointing news before Christmas, yes... it's PMR result day!!! Happy 20% Unhappy 80%, what we marketer call this? The Parental Law, this had prove many things right in the terms of marketing and i believe it's the same in this situation. 20% of students will be absoulte happy with getting straight As or those who think they did better than what they had expected, for those I congrat. And for the other 80%, those who had bad results like RED alphabet, results that does not meet their requirement & those who get 6As who fail t get 7. Very cruel of the government to actually choose this date to give out result, which doesn't allow most of the kids to celebrate their christmas happily. Sorry for them...

Carved Within: A Vow

Christmas was my favorite occasion every year, no matter what i been through or how terrible my life was.. the particular occasion always make a different and it always put an end to the year while welcoming the new ones.

But this year, it's somehow different. As if there is no Christmas, for your information.. i hate the time right now, when i spent my time cursing other's and hoping this would somehow end quick or never come.

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Today is moody, nothing seems interesting... just me and my piano, ended up playing various songs before going to work.

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So that's how it is... the feelin of losing the trust of a very important person, my heart beat almost stopped in the middle of the night, i don't think i can ever survive another situation similiar to this anymore. And i've made a vow to myself, if i ever lose this important person in my life... i will leave... to a place where i don't have to be constantly reminded about the past.

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You can't blame others for not knowing you, because at the end of the day, it's you yourself who have to stand up after falling down, and move on with you life no matter if you're going to be alone or not. I hate to agree to this statement, but to force it into my head. If i've ever disappear, i know Kheng, Melody and Jen will miss me the most.. for my own selfishness.. forgiveness is all i could ask for..

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Again... No longer i have the confident to give you a good life, i don't even know what's the definition of a good life for you, but i certainly know mine. If we have to be apart to realise, to regret, and to remember.. then perhaps it's the best solution for us.

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For now... i will do all i can d make things right, anything & everything just to keep your heart close to mine.

Carved Within: Lord, please show me the way

Today, i spent RM170++ just to have a chinese doctor to look at my ankle sprain. It's suppose to be a small issue, like putting on some chinese medical and pay him. Honestly... i payed the fees myself, and i feel quite burden with the total amount, i wanted to claim from the company but it seems like the company claim doesn't include Chinese Clinic.
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I'm frustrated about my life, I have so much to lose, yet as if i'm bound by it. I had to choose between "Finance & Family" and sometimes between "Career & Relationship".
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The accountant in my office, which happens to be my mother, told me that i can't claim the company with this medical fees.. I was kinda down, but decided to ignore it, since it can't be helped, she then told me "But you can claim from your mother". I thank her for that, but as what i've expected... tons of nagging starts, and it hurts my ear to listen to every single words that came from her mouth, so i told her i don't want to claim anymore hoping she would shut up and get back to her "work". Do you have any idea how annoying it is to listen to the repeating conversation over and over again for the past 10 years?
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I want a career, a successful one to overcome this issue, but i'm afraid once i choose this path, there will be something important i have to give up. Life can be fair and unfair, you can't own good career, peaceful marriage, close friendship, healthy life & beautiful appearance at the same time because life have to be fair, and the unfair side is you can't own them all at no matter how hard you try.
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I tried so hard to study & get into a big company, if i choose this path, i have to say goodbye to my family, friends and even worse... to the person i love.
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I've committed into a romance with someone who loves me as much as I do, i tried to work hard in my career to give us a good life, the question is... will i be able to spend precious time with my loved one when i'm going to be so busy with work?
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I have lots of friends, but only a few who gain my trust. I seldom hang out with them after started a romance relationship with KM, but always waiting for the opportunity to catch up with them whenever i find the time to..
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A healthy body is what i lack, my whole body is injuried, i sprained all my fingers & both of the ankles. I smoke, I drink, I stay up late just to play the video games or surfing the net.. hoping is not too late to realise my mistake and fix it up.
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There are times i tried to end it once and for all, but there are people who i still care... and not wanting to lose them. I heard the moment they jump down from a building, they realise all their problems were gone, the only one left is that they've jump. Repeatingly telling myself it wasn't the end, there's still a path right ahead of me. all i have to do.. is to walk until God decide to remove me.
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Lord... will you please show me the right path? So that i can live a life without regretting anything...

Carved Within: The Point oF Regret

I'm easily hurted by words, especially when it comes from someone that meant a lot to me. I've forgotten how did it happened, or how long i've been holding on to it, all i know right now is that things had changed between us no matter how much i wanted to deny it.

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Mistakes I made is no longer countable, i'll admit it, to be true to yourself & honest to the others. The 1st thing i've regretted in my life was i quit the team coached by Mr Woon when i was still 13 and i'm able to train with the former states players, i've missed the best opportnity given in basketball, wish to turn back time but it's not and never going to happen again.

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Here's the mistakes i've done, and i'm still regretting it. To upset a very close friend, and things are no longer working well between us, how sad that is.. If i have the chance to turn back time i will go against my parents even if they are gonna ignore me for the rest of the year. The scar created are no longer healable, i'm doing whatever i can to atone what i've done, but it doesn't bring me anywhere, it only proves how silly and weak i am.

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I hate myself for being in a situation like this, but i hope by hating myself i will make others feel better. I'm tired of feeling regret, I was driving when i heard the news of what just happened while not realising it, no sentence nor words able to express the emotions.. but a single teardrop had explained everything. I hate this... but i hate myself more.